On turning 30

I will be leaving my 20s in days. I’m turning 30 in the second day of January.

It’s really not a big deal for me. In fact I was always doubtful that I’ll reach this age. Yet here we are. Good job, self.

I am not really that excited in my upcoming birthday because I feel like nothing in my life is going ok right now. Everything’s shitty. I feel shitty.

I feel like I’m pushing people I love away. I would want to grab coffee with some people but either that invitation will remain unsent, or I already push that person away and said person hates me.

I am such a shitty person. The fact that I know exactly what I was doing and I still did it made me a class A asshole. I’ve hurt people and I feel really, really, really feel shitty about it. But I still did it.

I also feel like I have no one to talk to and vent out to. I feel like my friends are my friends because I love listening to them, not them listening to me. I feel like no one really knows me other than myself. I feel alone and frankly scared of my shitty self and shitty thoughts.

The only things I am excited for are other people’s entertainment. Childish distractions. Movies and tv shows and nerdy ass voice actors playing dungeons and dragons (which are awesome) help distract me from my impending surrender to sadness and shittyness.

(I also like watercolor now. I feel like watercolor and my dog are saving my soul right now)

I also noticed how disinterested I am right now to post more on social media. Sure there are those reposting of funny videos (probably dog-related), or those occasional political rants, but I no longer want to interact with the Facebook app – well not as much as before. I wonder why is that.

I think I might be depressed. Wait, is the acknowledgement of one’s depression an indication that you’re not depressed? I dunno. I would like to go to a doctor but I feel like that would be a waste of time and money because I really don’t think I’m depressed. I’m just sad plus just am just having a pretty shitty phase.

What am I looking forward to, you ask? I don’t know. I’m scared of the future. I’m scared that I will have a senseless death. Oh my god why am I thinking about death. I am not suicidal, dont worry. I am just scared of the inevitable.

Here it is. A post on my upcoming 30th birthday. And I mentioned the word “shitty” eight times.

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December 29, 2017